The last four and a half months have brought many changes to our lives, but one of the changes that has impacted me the most was my inability to get to attend worship with my family. Because of Jason's obligations at the church each Sunday (he's on staff there), it was not an option for him to stay home while I attended worship. Each week I would get up with the boys, get them around for church and then the three of them would head off while I stayed home taking care of our daughter. I loved the precious hours of quiet when she and I could take a mid-morning nap on my bed while watching portions of the Great Hills worship service on TV, but I missed corporate worship.
So today would be the day. I posted a verse on Facebook this morning that captured my anticipation: "A twinkle in the eye means joy in the heart, and good news makes you feel fit as a fiddle. (Proverbs 15:30)" I really thought that I would "twinkle" all day...but that was not to be the case.
The plan for the morning was for me to wake up and help get the boys out the door for church nice and early so that they could attend their Hope Group Class (Sunday School), and then I would meet them in time for the late worship service. Things went very smoothly. They were out the door in time, my daughter and I got to steal a few quiet minutes together before getting ourselves ready to go. I pondered over which bow would be the cutest for her debut. And we were off at just the time I'd planned.
On the way to church I turned on KLOVE and heard a few songs of praise that brought tears to my eyes. I was so thankful to be heading to worship and whispered aloud a prayer of thanksgiving. As I parked the car and began walking into church carrying our daughter in her car carrier, more tears. Then, all it took was a hug from a sweet friend who was happy to see us, and the tears began to flow. They wouldn't stop for over an hour. I was not anticipating the many emotions that were consuming my heart...JOY to be in worship, LOVE for my friends that I haven't seen in over four months, PRIDE for my new baby, and FEAR...this was the one I didn't expect. I was afraid! Not for the germs that could make our daughter sick, but for the second looks, comments and questions that would arise. My heart hurts! I don't want my daughter to become a spectacle because she doesn't look the same as the other babies.
I know that these feelings are perfectly normal. I know that my church family loves and supports us more than I will ever be able to comprehend. But I also know that these second looks, comments and questions about our daughter are the new "normal" for us. I know that my heart will find comfort in the kindness of those who love us, but I need to also be constantly prepared for those who say or do things that are hurtful. I know that my boys are watching me to see how I react to these times and that they will take their cues from me.
The final song in our music set today was "I Surrender All". (How does God always know just the song we'll need at just the right time?) I had to just sit back and listen through the first three verses because my heart was not truly ready to surrender. But, by the last verse, the tears were flowing as I once again surrendered all to Him!
All to Jesus I surrender
Lord I give [My Daughter] to Thee
Fill me with Thy love and power
Let Thy blessing fall on me!
I Surrender All!!!
My precious children after our first day together at church (and a Burger King lunch...note the crown!).
