The last four and a half months have brought many changes to our lives, but one of the changes that has impacted me the most was my inability to get to attend worship with my family. Because of Jason's obligations at the church each Sunday (he's on staff there), it was not an option for him to stay home while I attended worship. Each week I would get up with the boys, get them around for church and then the three of them would head off while I stayed home taking care of our daughter. I loved the precious hours of quiet when she and I could take a mid-morning nap on my bed while watching portions of the Great Hills worship service on TV, but I missed corporate worship.
So today would be the day. I posted a verse on Facebook this morning that captured my anticipation: "A twinkle in the eye means joy in the heart, and good news makes you feel fit as a fiddle. (Proverbs 15:30)" I really thought that I would "twinkle" all day...but that was not to be the case.
The plan for the morning was for me to wake up and help get the boys out the door for church nice and early so that they could attend their Hope Group Class (Sunday School), and then I would meet them in time for the late worship service. Things went very smoothly. They were out the door in time, my daughter and I got to steal a few quiet minutes together before getting ourselves ready to go. I pondered over which bow would be the cutest for her debut. And we were off at just the time I'd planned.
On the way to church I turned on KLOVE and heard a few songs of praise that brought tears to my eyes. I was so thankful to be heading to worship and whispered aloud a prayer of thanksgiving. As I parked the car and began walking into church carrying our daughter in her car carrier, more tears. Then, all it took was a hug from a sweet friend who was happy to see us, and the tears began to flow. They wouldn't stop for over an hour. I was not anticipating the many emotions that were consuming my heart...JOY to be in worship, LOVE for my friends that I haven't seen in over four months, PRIDE for my new baby, and FEAR...this was the one I didn't expect. I was afraid! Not for the germs that could make our daughter sick, but for the second looks, comments and questions that would arise. My heart hurts! I don't want my daughter to become a spectacle because she doesn't look the same as the other babies.
I know that these feelings are perfectly normal. I know that my church family loves and supports us more than I will ever be able to comprehend. But I also know that these second looks, comments and questions about our daughter are the new "normal" for us. I know that my heart will find comfort in the kindness of those who love us, but I need to also be constantly prepared for those who say or do things that are hurtful. I know that my boys are watching me to see how I react to these times and that they will take their cues from me.
The final song in our music set today was "I Surrender All". (How does God always know just the song we'll need at just the right time?) I had to just sit back and listen through the first three verses because my heart was not truly ready to surrender. But, by the last verse, the tears were flowing as I once again surrendered all to Him!
All to Jesus I surrender
Lord I give [My Daughter] to Thee
Fill me with Thy love and power
Let Thy blessing fall on me!
I Surrender All!!!
My precious children after our first day together at church (and a Burger King lunch...note the crown!).
Oh so precious, Jennifer!! Thank you for your honesty! LOVE the pic of the 3 sweeties and LOVE LOVE LOVE those cheeks!!
ReplyDeleteLove you all Jennifer! God has blessed you with His children..... they are all just beautiful kids....I love you! He always knows when to give you a message just when you need it doesn't He?
ReplyDeleteWe love you so much, Jennifer. All of you! It was so good to see you in worship this morning that I couldn't resist running to you and Sweet Ella. I totally understand all the emotions, the ones you were expecting and the ones you were not. Can I just tell you how beautiful Ella was this morning? I do not see anything but a beautiful little girl. And she does look wonderful! I'm not just saying that to make you feel good. She looks GREAT! Not because of where she was a few months or even weeks ago. She is simply beautiful!!! She looks so much like her Mommy.
ReplyDeleteLove you girl! I am so sorry we have not been there for you all as we should.
I LOVE that picture-soooo cute! You picked the perfect bow!!!! Baby girl stuff is fun, isn't it! Those are three GORGEOUS kids!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing Jennifer! You are such a great mom and you will raise your children to be amazing people.
ReplyDeleteWe went through this with the helmet. I got awful comments from strangers, and sometimes our friends were overly protective and it came across as afraid to hurt him. Eventually we were able to embrace it. I introduced us to people at churches we visited as, "We're the ones with the helmet baby in the nursery." I was always afraid people assumed he had neurological problems. NOW, when we moved and no one even knew about the helmet, I finally convinced myself that strangers truly didn't see his crookedness. Many people told me they had no idea he had had any issues (others said they saw something, but unsure what.) So I thought it was all behind us. At about 2 1/2, we saw the neurosurgeon for a check up and he walked in and said, "Wow, that's pretty awful! Could we do the big surgery now? Yes. Do I think it would help? Not really." Then I said, "Hello." He said he was going to ask his colleague about what would be involved in moving his ears. I told him we were NOT interested! He said he still just wanted to know. So here we were a year later, digging up all my mommy issues just when I thought they were finished. Jimmy's personality just completely overcomes all of his "deformities" (never used that word - but they are) and insecurities. This will all make her so strong and great toward others. and it's amazing what it will do for the boys - to learn to protect her and others from the harshness of the world. It's kind of a blessing to not have to teach our kids to deal with differences when they experience it in such a genuine way!
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